Early mornings, before dawn, is my favorite time of day. My husband is still sleeping peacefully and the world is so quiet. I savor this time: Coffee in hand, I start with meditation. And now, daily, a practice is self-compassion. More below…

Today, I also indulged in a mineral bath and massage at the historic Roosevelt Baths and Spa in Saratoga Spa State Park. https://www.gideonputnam.com/roosevelt-baths-and-spa I forgot what being truly relaxed feels like. The perfect temperature mineral water, soft lighting, pleasant music, and the expert touch of my massage therapist. Bliss. It hasn’t been that long since I enjoyed this treat, yet today it felt different. No guilt.

As a caregiver, self-care is a necessity and can also feel terribly self-indulgent. A few posts back, I wrote a blog about how it’s better to feel a little guilty than resentful. Ultimately, when I don’t practice self-care, the resentment is directed toward me for not honoring my need for rest and nurturing. Guilt feels yucky too. Not as horrible as resentment, but not good either.

What was different today since the last time I was at the spa is that I have been practicing self-compassion on a daily basis. For a decade I have given self-compassion hearty lip service, encouraging clients and friends alike to give themselves a break and practice a little self-compassion. But was I doing it? Apparently not very well.

My inner critic was constantly on my ass about all the ways that I suck and all the things I need to do better. Though it would seem logical that at times we all need a good kick in the pants from our inner drill sergeant, for me that motivation was brief, half-hearted and, yes, half-assed.

This winter, I got serious about this self-compassion thing, knowing that I needed to build a practice not just preach about it. I took a course entitled Self-Compassion for Caregivers with Dr. Kristin Neff https://self-compassion.org/ Powerful stuff. What was affirmed, more than anything, is that in order to be compassionate for the suffering of another, in this case my husband, I needed to be compassionate for my own suffering.

This transformed into a daily practice. Along with practicing loving-kindness meditation (Metta) https://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/metta-readings/ I affirm that I am worthy of my own love and care. That my suffering is no more or no less important than anyone else’s suffering. Pain is pain. When I hear my inner critic start up her whiny rant, I know something is off and that even she needs my love and care. (I don’t think we can get rid of our inner critics, by the way, but the voice can become less intrusive.) I treat myself as I would a dear friend. When my fear and insufficiency are triggered, I take a deep breath and place my hand on my heart and say to myself, “It’s okay, Cate. This is hard. You can do hard things. Take a moment. Take a breath. I love you” The loving words vary, but in my consistency over weeks, I am noticing that I really am kinder to myself. The result? I am kinder to my husband, who couldn’t be more loving or grateful for my care, even when I am a little bitchy.

I don’t know where the resentment and guilt went, but, for now, they are gone. Perhaps gobbled up by love.