Cate LaBarre

I stumbled into my first Shadow Process Workshop thinking that I had it all together.  I was a successful self-employed “healer”, single mom, managing the mortgage and bills, and caring for my elderly, blind father, just as I had cared for my mother.  I could keep all the plates spinning like a circus performer, no problem!  What I realized that weekend was that I was exhausted, burned out, and felt like a fraud.  I left liking myself for the first time in a very long time and I was excited about the possibilities that were growing as a result. I couldn’t wait to begin my life seeing with a fresh perspective with an awareness and enthusiasm that I had never known.

One of the biggest gifts I received is realizing that every day I have a choice.  My perceived obligations were just that “perceived”.  When I woke each day realizing that I could choose to care for my elderly father, my child and my clients, my life changed.  I no longer felt exhausted and put upon.  It was the beginning of a healing journey that
continues today. My favorite “tool” is Debbie Ford’s book, “The Right Questions”. I have used it in women’s support groups and book studies.  If you read this book and practice the questions in your daily life, you’ll learn that every choice you make, even choices that seem to be the least important, have a big impact on how you show up, who you will be tomorrow and how your future will evolve. It is simply brilliant.

As we say good-bye to 2010 and embark on a new adventure in the New Year, I want to share some coaching tips.   As a daily practice, I know they will lighten your load, energize you, and make room for more love in your heart.

Each and every day make the choice to:

• Put yourself at the top of your “to do” list. Whether or not you are a caregiver, the demands of our busy lives takes us out of the habit of caring for ourselves, if we ever did.  Put your appointments with yourself in your day planner first. Time to exercise, relax, prepare nourishing food, and play time with loved ones. This can give you the fuel to use your “working” hours with greater efficiency. And when you choose to give to others it will be with joy.
• Live in a state of awareness and presence. Notice when, where, how and with whom you are inspired and notice where you are dragged down. “Energy sucks” of any kind need to be recognized and eliminated in order to live your best life. Choose to surround yourself with uplifting and inspiring people, places and things.
• Notice where fear runs you and step into faith. Recognize how often decisions are based in the past and the fear that nothing will work out. Bring faith to your fear and affirm that there is no truth that the past determines your future. Faith tells you that you are always connected to a greater source that will guide and protect you. Ask for that guidance and allow it in.
• See the gift in adversity. Whether you are experiencing a “crappy day” or are in a really awful situation, there are lessons to be learned and gifts to receive. Ceasing to resist and accepting “what is”, will allow you to invite the lesson into your life that will ultimately diminish your distress.
• Say NO. Nothing can get you into more trouble than saying yes when you really want to say NO. Be truthful and honest right from the beginning. Having to make an excuse later or berating yourself for over committing is an energy drain. It takes practice to get over the “guilt” of saying NO, but it’s worth it.
• Reach out for help/Offer help. Humans are social. We need community. Though it is important that we do our own “work” to avoid co-dependence, we are not intended to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. People want to help. Just ask. Return the favor. Share your talents, strengths and gifts with others. Your heart will overflow.
• Practice gratitude. Of course you know this, but has gratitude become a practice? Keep a journal or notebook by your bed and write down five things you’re grateful for each morning and evening. This will shift your perspective from lack to abundance.

Happy 2011 !

I went to bed with a headache last night and awakened with the same headache.  As I lay in bed I recalled the same feeling when I was in high school many years ago. I was stressed over classes that were too difficult for me, stressed over my difficult home life, stressed that my boy friend, who was my anchor, was far away at college and unreachable in a hurry, and stressed by what I was doing physically to my body. Taking dance classes was fine, cheerleading was fun, but starving myself to be “thin” was anything but fine or fun. This morning I felt pain for that girl and pain for how poorly I’ve been treating myself.  Not starving for sure, more like stuffing, and definitely not treating my body in a way that it deserves.

Fast forward about twenty years… through self-abuse, addiction and transformation… A long and difficult path to know in my heart and soul that my body is worthy of love and appreciation, as it houses my precious spirit on this short journey of life. I learned that in order to make real change in my life, I need to reach out for help and be consistent in my self-care.  About 10 years ago, I found Weight Watchers (WW). It was the right program at the right time — I was ready for the kind of  support and accountability WW provides.

As I worked toward my goal, I called myself a  WW “lifer”. I thrived in the program. I reached my goal and maintained it, thus becoming not just a “lifer” but a “Lifetime Member”. With this came the privilege of attending weekly meetings for free and a weigh in once a month.  If my weight remained within two pounds of my goal weight, I didn’t have to pay.  If I went over, I had to pay the normal meeting fee.  Good deal, great incentive, as if being at an ideal weight were not enough…

In the last 15 months I’ve become a slacker! I have gone to WW intermittently but really couldn’t commit to myself or my new group in my new community.  My weight has slowly crept up to a point that very few of my clothes fit. I refuse to purchase larger sizes. Despite lots of exercise and a vast wealth of knowledge, I could not get back on track.  I knew I needed to break the “spell” of perceived deprivation I was under that was causing me to stuff myself and sabotage my health and well-being.

From my wish to God’s ears — My friend, Donna, frustrated with her own efforts and health issues, decided to go to Weight Watchers three weeks ago, and I watched her shrink by five pounds over Christmas!  She shared with me that the program was revamped just this month in very healthy ways (if you’re interested, veggies and fruit unlimited). Seeing her progress inspired me.  Mind you, not before I got even MORE pissed off at myself and my genetics and my mother, blah, blah blah!!!  As I headed out to my first “new” meeting last night, I told my husband I was disgusted that I’ve gained and lost about a thousand pounds since I was 8 years old (okay, maybe it’s only hundreds)… and I was truly sick of it, again.

Why does my weight matter?  It matters because now, as a wiser and more self-loving adult, being at the “right” weight (which is higher than most charts indicate) means that I am taking impeccable care of myself.  As a teenager it meant I was hatefully and abusively starving myself to thinness and ill-health.

Yes, I can’t help my genetics. Yes, I can’t help that I’m getting older every day.  Yes, I can’t help the top limitations of my physical potential. I can help what I put in my mouth.  I can choose my exercise wisely. I can do something about my EFFING ATTITUDE! And it’s likely that a return to a healthy weight for me will be the result.

I love my body and can express that love every day by by treating it with loving kindness.

Here it is in writing.  I will joyfully journal my food intake and count points, whether I feel like it or not. I will joyfully continue my exercise whether I feel like it or not. I will joyfully go to my WW meetings whether I have a good week or a bad week. I will humbly ask for support from others who care about me and my success and I will return the favor. I will be grateful for this precious temple that houses my spirit each and every day.

We human beings are a funny lot.  Needing to learn the same lessons over and over again like we have amnesia! I smile at my own humanity and I am willing to receive the lesson again. Again, I embrace what I share with others in my coaching and in my life every day — change on the outside begins with change on the inside.  Amen.

I’ll keep you posted.

Thanksgiving is looming and though I don’t want to wish my life away, I will be glad when it is past.  You see, I am estranged from my sister and learned recently that she is having a large gathering of extended family at her NY City apartment and has invited everyone but me and my husband.  She even managed an indirect and belated invitation to my 20 year old son through her daughter.

Though my brother and I had our own period of estrangement, we both made the effort to mend our relationship.  Though our time apart was extremely painful, I always had faith that we could and would heal it. I wish I felt that certainty with my sister.

What happened that caused our separation is not what I want to share today. What I will confess is that I have always buckled under to my sister, her expectations, her needs. As I reflect back, I was her champion, her good friend and loyal sister. If anyone said a bad word about her, as I would rise to defend her. Even at times when she was furious with me, my empathic nature allowed me to see her side. I would take a deep breath and make amends, often at my own expense. I would leave the encounter knowing that I had “sucked it up” again to keep the peace and often felt bad about myself.  This year I experienced a breaking point when I could no longer say, “okay, whatever you say”.  Finally I stood in my power and said “no more”.

You may be thinking, “why not continue to suck it up? At least you would have your sister and invitations to family events!” That’s true. But at the end of the day it is me that I go to bed with, not my sister.  I know a greater truth — I need to stand in my power and not be the kiss-ass baby sister any longer. Yes, I’ve lost my sister. Maybe just for now, maybe forever.  But  in the process I have found myself.  I know the importance of friendship and loyalty.  I will continue to be a great friend to my spiritual sisters. Most important, I have learned that I really am my own best friend.

If you read my birthday post, you know that I was ready and willing to receive inspiration about “what’s next” in my life. I received no “birthday” dreams to guide me, no “ah-ha” moments in meditation. Floating around in a void of “not knowing” takes letting go and it doesn’t feel good at all! But I have given myself the uncomfortable gift of being clueless.

This morning at 5 AM my epiphany arrived, so simple and obvious I had tears in my eyes.  I realized that I am going to volunteer with women veterans at a homeless shelter scheduled to open just a few miles from my home by the end of the year.

This didn’t arrive without foreshadowing.  Several years ago, when I took a leadership training program, I felt called to work with homeless (in shelter) battered women.  I was in the midst of planning a move, so I found a shelter in a city near my new home and there my plans ended.  It didn’t go onto a back burner, it went into the deep freeze.

Fast forward a couple years… I have been complaining to my friends about Martha Stewart and her 35,000 (yes, thousand) square foot “cottage” on an island off the coast of Maine.  I was horrified to think that she uses this just for herself and her guests.  I exclaimed to the universe that if I had the good fortune to have that house, I would turn it into a shelter or halfway house for women.  A few days passed.  Our local weekly paper arrived over the weekend and headlines announced a shelter, Guardian House, which will be home to 11 homeless female veterans for 12 to 24 months while they get the support and training they need to transition back to independent lives. Sunday night 60 Minutes did a report on homeless veterans.  Okay, so hit me over the head! I still didn’t get it until I heard a whisper as soft as the fading darkness this morning: “Cate, you can help these women.” I want to help.  I won’t be writing a check, I will give the gift of my time and talent to support these women in any way I can.  Stay tuned. I’ll keep you posted!

Tomorrow’s my birthday.  It seems like I am always in a weird mood around my birthday. Like no one will remember.  But that’s not it, because I’ve never been completely forgotten.  Or that the years are going by much too quickly.  Well, that is certainly my experience and I don’t like it.  As much as I intend to live in the moment and enjoy each day, the days fly by, turning into weeks and months, and mid-October I’m not even used to writing 2010 yet.

It seems to have more to do with my purpose.  I love my work, where I live, my family and friends.  I believe I’m pretty healthy.  I have a good life. Yet it seems that every year around my natal new year, I wonder if there is more.  Something I am called to create or be.  My challenge is to get quiet enough to listen to the whispering of my soul.  It’s scary sometimes.  What if I hear something I don’t want to do or be? What if it means working weekends?  What if it means turning my life upside down? What if it really does mean getting up at 5 AM to write?

Maybe that’s why I fear getting quiet enough to listen. To be in the mystery of the light of my soul. I might not “like” what I hear.

This year will be different. I will give myself the birthday gift of listening to the whispering of my soul instead of ignoring it, filling the silence with sound and busy-ness and fleeing into the future.

As I drew my bathwater at 3 AM because I couldn’t sleep, I wondered if Albert Einstein ever had insomnia because he had forgotten to take a shower the previous day.

Why compare myself to Einstein? Yesterday I experienced a flat out, over the top, productive day when I felt so focused on my “doing-ness” that I forgot all about my “being-ness” (part of which I experience as my personal hygiene and self care).  This kind of day is rare for me. Mostly I reel myself in from being scattered, which has its own challenges.  On my scattered days, I am pulled here and there and never seem to accomplish anything EXCEPT my morning shower!

My dad said he used to see Dr. Einstein on the campus of Princeton and even took in a lecture or two (in which he was completely lost). Dad said Einstein would walk through campus with his head down and arms behind his back, intense, purposeful.  How amazing to be so focused.  I imagine he found himself on the other side of campus sometimes, totally missing the building where his class was scheduled.  Or forgetting his briefcase.  Certainly forgetting to bathe.  He must have had a housekeeper, who made sure he remembered to eat (not one of MY problems), made sure he had clean clothes and a clean house.  I imagine he had to be gently reminded to bathe and get a haircut (from photos, the haircut was unimportant and a rare occurrence).

I had an Einstein day.  And I am glad they are rare.  I’d much rather have to refocus myself to the task at hand from the vagaries of life (bordering on chaos at times) than get so focused that I forget I’m in my body and my body is crying for care.  Ideally, a balance of the two. Now that is a vision worth exploring.

I have few regrets.  Once I worked through the shame of the truly stupid choices I made in my life, once I forgave myself and realized that those choices led me to where I am today, I was able to be grateful instead of regretful.

Recently, though, I realized that my remaining regret is that I have not taken advantage of the traveling I could have done.  When I was in high school in the 1960s I had an open invitation to visit and even stay with my Aunt Ruth in Berkeley, CA.  I can’t imagine how my life would be different had I done so.  Perhaps I’d have never made it back to NY.  Since I like who I am and where I am in my life, this regret surprises me.  (I can compare it to how my husband might feel about missing the Woodstock Festival — I was there so I don’t have that regret.  Instead, he visited a girlfriend in the Adirondacks who broke up with him that weekend.  Total bummer.)

As I looked deeper into this regret of not discovering California until the last decade and not traveling as much as I would like, I realized the gift of this memory. I have open invitations world wide, relatives and friends to visit from Italy to Mexico, Palm Springs to Palm Beach.  My travel bucket list is long! The idea of visiting people who love me and want to share what they love about where they live is enticing.

I am starting in Charleston, WV, where my good friend Barbie lives. She and her husband visited us this Summer and I am returning the favor this Fall.  There is added incentive for making this my first bucket list trip — my last remaining relative of my parents generation lives in Charleston.  I spoke with Aunt Lil a few minutes ago and she is delighted I am coming.  She is moving to an assisted living facility, leaving the big house she’s lived in for more than 50 years.  Though sad about the move, she is getting frail and she is resolved that it’s time.  I’m glad I’ll see her in her new home, where we will make new memories for both of us.

This is the best, visit my dear aunt and my cousin, play with my good friends, and experience deep gratitude rather than regret.

My husband and I planned to visit friends who have a “camp” on 3rd Lake, Old Forge, in the beautiful Adirondack Mountains of Upstate NY. Our friends are very active outdoors women and can paddle us underwater, doing many mile canoe races, with a 90-miler coming up in September. We knew we’d be on the water a bit, but they also suggested we bring our bikes, to which I responded, “No, I plan on being lazy all weekend.” Our friends know I’m fit, my husband is super fit, and they took this comment in stride knowing they’d likely tempt me with some physical challenge once there.

The universe was certainly listening to my intention for a lazy weekend.  Not enough that the mid-week forecast turned from sunny, warm days to a later forecast of a Summer Nor’easter coming up the coast, I had to guarantee LAZY! I decided that my bathtub wasn’t clean enough for me to leave for the weekend, so I got down on my hands and knees to scrub it and wrenched my back!  I really don’t know how I did it, it was such a simple reach, but I did it and that clean tub guaranteed a lazy weekend.

I took it in stride, being “a good sport”, knowing full well that I had set myself up.  While my husband and friends went off to 8th Lake to pick up a beautiful, new, featherweight solo racing canoe, I sat in a hammock chair on the porch with ice pack, novel and glass(es) of red wine (medicinal).  It was lovely to be alone in this peaceful setting knowing that on some level I had gotten exactly what I had asked for.

We had a fun visit despite the rain and my decrepitude, with a visit to the Adirondack Arts Center  for their annual watercolor exhibit, which never would have happened had the weather been better.  I’d have just spent more time alone on the porch!

The universe is listening.  I will be mindful about what I say and beware of what I ask for, knowing my intention wallops quite a punch!

Okay, I admit it.  I signed up to be a blogger along with some of my coaching colleagues and, thus far, I have bordered on complete failure. One post, eons ago in cyber time. Sigh.

I have lots of silly excuses:  I’m too busy.  My website needs updating. I have a newsletter to get out. I have bills to pay. My office is so messy.  It’s a nice day and winter is just around the corner — I’ll go for a walk and do it later.

Or the truly dis-empowering ones: Why would ANYONE bother reading MY blog?  I don’t know what to write about! I’m boring. I’m stupid.

The biggest excuse:  NO TIME. I don’t have time for blogs, how does anyone else have time? I truly don’t know. Yet people are blogging like crazy.

I remember a recent conversation with a client.  His wife is a coach and when he complained to her that he didn’t have enough time to get his work done, she responded: “You don’t have time?  Are you kidding me? That’s bulls—!  You have just as many hours in each day as Bill Gates.”

I have no excuse.  I like to write.  I will write.  Whether anyone reads it or not.  My commitment is made, written in stone on “this here page here”.  I will work through my phobia by facing my discomfort.

As Neale Donald Walsch says: Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

I am at the end of my comfort zone.  Bring on LIFE!

PS …. I wonder what Bill Gates is doing right now?

I was delighted to view The Shadow Effect on two occasions before its official release in June 2009.  I was riveted by its clarity and concise description of the shadows of our humanity and couldn’t wait for its official release so that I could share it with family, friends and clients!  Having this amazing tool to introduce people to “shadow” work is a gift beyond measure — I recommend it to all potential clients to help them understand how the shadow might show up in the unique “blueprint” of their lives.   The stories and examples portrayed in The Shadow Effect are timely, dramatic and moving, and ultimately offer a message of hope; hope… something we need today more than ever.