Lots of things keep me awake at night. You know what it’s like. Worries about loved ones, stuff we have absolutely no control over. I say my mantra, drift back to sleep. No surprise.
Recently what kept me awake was the reality that I have made a commitment that is so big and bold I can barely believe I’ve done it. That makes sense, doesn’t it? But my sleeplessness didn’t come with the commitment, it was when reality set in.
I have a speaking engagement in two weeks. It began to “get real” for me when I saw the promotional material. It is challenging for me, speaking to an audience of (possibly) 200 people. I”ll be introducing a film and follow with questions and discussion. I wasn’t sleepless yet.
Next reality — I have nothing to wear. You’re laughing, but it’s true, you can look in my closet. Still, I’m not sleepless yet.
I want to be comfortable, inside and out. I am comfortable with what I have to say, now the challenge is to look at ease, classically understated, not in-your-face, but not invisible. I abide by the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that says: “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying”. I want to be noticed, I truly do, for what I have to share, not what I am wearing. And I certainly don’t want to be noticed for my worn out, thrift-shop-worthy clothes.
What’s a woman to do? Call her girlfriends! Two out of three said “YES, I’ll meet you!” The third joked that she might get picked up by the “fashion police” if she ventured too close to a clothing store.
I decided to go early and scope the shops so that my girlfriends wouldn’t see my jaw drop, as I marveled like a kid at the county fair. I realized that I have barely purchased any items of clothing in the past year and that I haven’t looked at a fashion magazine or noticed the latest styles even a little. (At one time I had way too many clothes in my closet. I made a concerted effort to STOP SHOPPING and I have been overly successful.)
My friends were great. Finding sizes and colors, switching things out, totally making it about me, honest if it didn’t flatter, ready to move on, even willing to loan me clothes from their closets. One friend suggested a store I had forgotten and it was there that I found the perfect outfit. I already have accessories that work. Definitely a plus. I was feeling great because was only 25% over my “outfit” budget!
That problem is solved. I modeled the clothes for my husband, happy hung them in my closet beside my “rags” (determining to make a donation pile in the morning). NOW I couldn’t sleep. NOW the reality set in that I am really doing this speaking engagement. I was surprised by this response. And yet, as I thought more about it, maybe it’s a much smaller scale of seeing your wedding dress or tuxedo hanging on the door and the reality “I’m really getting married!” setting in.
A small idea, a gentle whisper or dream shared with a few. Breathing life into it, the dream becomes a vision that is manifesting. A reality. Flutters of anxiety and excitement.
One sleepless night was worth it. I am happy to have stepped out of my comfort zone and into the next level of who I can be in the world. I am dressing up (for me). I will be focused on the audience and fully present because this event isn’t even about me. The reality is that when I am totally comfortable with who I am, inside and out, there is no me, only all of us.
Cate, a sensitive introspective on a moment we’ve all faced. The reality of an ‘eyes wide open’ step in our life can be very anxiety provoking. Thanks for sharing how you dealt with one such step.